Never have, never will.
I’m not girly. Never was, never will.
I’m not pretty. Never was, never will.
I’m not worth it. Never was, never will.
When I was 7 they told me I could be everything I desired. They told me I could go to space, they told me I could breed Platypi.
I really wanted to breed Platypi. Never have, never will.
When I was 8 -almost 9-, for the first time, they told me I was ‘not girly’, and gently laughed. I didn’t know what girly meant, I only knew I wasn’t. Then it became ‘not girly enough’. As the weight stacked, as my clothes became baggier and baggier, as I started picking my favorite bands, they told me I was never gonna be girly enough. Constant teasing, frequent and cold isolation, every. single. day. They told me I had to try harder, and I felt like I would’ve never belonged anywhere if I didn’t.
But I didn’t know how to. Never have, never will.
The first guy I fell in love with chose another girl -my best friend, of course- because she was prettier than me. Because her hair was longer and silky and such a nice color; her eyes were of a beautiful yellow-ish brown, so warm and gentle, and she was thin. She perfectly fit society’s standards, so she was pretty.
I wasn’t. Never have, never will.
That day on the cute little boat I had just come out of the sea; the sun was high, and it was such a sunny day. I sat on the driver’s seat, walking past my father, trying to not wake him up. His friend smiled and lit a sigarette. I remember his eyes in mine, I remember him leaning forward and patting my leg. i remember not saying a word at first, when he started petting me. He was there while I was growing up, playing with his two boys; he was there my whole life as a kid. Now, at 17, I wasn’t a kid anymore: I was a woman worthy of attention. ‘Trust me’ he said as I closed my legs upon his hand that was going too far. He pushed again, and I called my dad, but I didn’t say anything. I did though, watch the color leave his face as he immediately withdrew his hand. That’s when I knew. ‘Trust me’, he had said just a few moments later.
But thank some god, I didn’t. Have in the past, never will again.
The few months past that were hell. I was a whore, I did something to provoke him, I could’ve ruined his family, i could’ve ruined his life-long friendship with my fater.
But it wasn’t, I know now. Never has, never will.
All those memories are still with me, and will be forever. Because the rest of the world pushed me down, and didn’t notice or simply didn’t care, I quietly shattered, and not a single word was spent.
I was never good enough, always in the wrong, always pushed aside and left behind.
Always ready to smile and laugh because it was my fault if I wsn’t happy, so I had to be for others; atleast on the outside.
Always dismissed because somebody was in a worse situation than mine, because ‘so many people have your same problems, you don’t get to complain’.
Two years have passed.
And even now, with all those wonderful people that love me, laugh at my stupid jokes, are honest and kind with me, I still can’t find my little sunshine. I can be happy for a few moments, but it never lasts. It’s still more than I could ask for, though, and it’s all thanks to them.
I stopped caring for myself a long time ago because I thought it would hurt less. But it didn’t. Never has, never will.
I’m still here though. I’m still standing, and laughing, and smiling, and everything’s more honest and natural now.
It’s not easy. Never has, never will.
But I’m not alone now. And maybe -hopefully- never have, and never will.